Sometimes people punish you by giving you what you want

Today Australian television “personality” Tracy Spicer wrote an article about her children on planes.

If I were to boil it down to its component parts I would say that the headline should read.

“All men are paedophiles: Run”

Spicer doesn’t want her children sitting next to men on planes when they are flying unaccompanied because men=paedophiles.


What all men look like to Tracy Spicer

Spice acknowledged that this is sexist (although not that this is also a disgusting way of feeding into a culture of hysteria that men who are around or have children have to wade through every day) and takes her cues from the Australian bureau of statistics who say that although 90% of abuse is committed by family members but only 8% of paedophilia is committed by women. So women are safe to sit next to on long haul flights. She also manages to list ONE, I repeat ONE example of child abuse on a plane which was on an American Northwest flight in the late 90’s.

A few things occurred to me as I read this article.

  1. My blood pressure probably needs to be checked. Is it normal to go red in the face after reading something that wasn’t contained in the Herald Sun?
  2.  This is someone giving me what I want for the wrong reasons. My desire to sit next to a child that is not my own in a situation that I cannot escape from is only slightly higher than my desire to talk to Tracy Spicer for any length of time. I would rather chug cold vomit.
  3. Who sends their children on a long haul flight unattended? Maybe the best solution is NOT TO DO THIS.
  4. Where does this leave male flight attendants? Does the fact that they are all gay make this better or worse?
  5. If 90% of abuse is committed by a family member surely the solution is to keep them away from family members at all times? Perhaps this is why they are on long haul flights unattended in the first place. Maybe they are riding the skyways where the family can’t find them on stolen frequent flyer points till they reach their majority and can come home.
  6. Tracey asks the question: But it remains a conundrum: How do we encourage a sense of adventure while ensuring their safety?

Give them a sword and teach them how to use it. Then they can sit next to whomever they like on a plane and everyone will be happier, you, your kids and the person they are sitting next to who at least will have a more interesting child to talk to.


“So, you have a sword?”


“Is that to keep away the pedos?”


“Killed any yet?”

“A few”

  1. This is exactly why there are fewer and fewer male teachers each year. *shakes head in shame*
  2. The statistics on death say that your chances of dying whilst falling down are 1-in-246 lets ban stairs!

Sadly there was no “Age Poll” at the end of the article asking “Should Tracy Spicer be shunned from society for her inflammatory views?”

In future I will try not to read any more articles from Tracy Spicer or any of the “personalities” that the paper give opinion time to just because…..actually I’m not sure why they are allowed to write articles. Sure not all of them are outrageously sexist bigots who don’t have two brain cells to rub together….but why take that chance?

If you want to see what she wote it’s here.

Oh and if your looking for facts and figures and such on this issue and a more balanced (and possibly saner perspective) you can try:





The dangers of human interaction

One of the guys here at work asked me if I’m a published author, and technically I am and rather than sensing that this might be the kind of conversation that I didn’t want to have I said “Why yes I am”(I guess I might be a little proud of that…and a little starved for attention).

“Fantastic, I have a book that I’ve written” (ah crap, too late to back out now,). “It’s a self-help book !”(Why can’t there just be a button that I can press on my phone and I just vanish down a hole?).

“oh yes” I say, as he skilfully ignores my apparent lack of interest.

“It’s called “The Way of the Happy Warrior”.

“Oh”. I say.

“What’s it about” I find myself saying before I could stop myself.

“It’s an allegorical journey of discovery through the eyes of a disaffected teenager who finds wisdom through the teachings of an older mentor”

“Um…ok I hate to tell you this but that sounds…not just a little bit like but…. EXACTLY. like “The way of the peaceful warrior: by Dan Millman”

“oh…you’ve read that have you” he says somewhat deflated.

“Yes…and I don’t mean to burst your bubble, but others have too”

But it’s ok cause he pitched me some other books too:

  • How to win friends and influence lemurs.


  • The nearly 8 habits of highly effective people.


  • The secret you don’t know about yet till you read the book.


  • She’s more into you than she lets on, which is freaking annoying.


  • Jonathan Livingstone Angora Rabbit.


(I’m kidding he didn’t really pitch these other books but the above conversation is verbatim.)


I first heard of homeopathy when I was like 20, I was working for this photographer guy who was just a little nuts, he opened studio here in Ormond and did what photographers do, take photos and try to sell them. I was a model (yes really I was at the time, age will get to you too you hipster bastards) and I wasn’t the only person he hired, there were a few guys who were hired to just hand around and do odd jobs as well as model for this guy.

Anyway one day we were all standing round and he was extolling the virtues of homeopathy. It’s amazing he told us, it is the future! Western medicine is 100 years behind the 8 ball there is noting that it can’t cure. It worked miracles for me. We were astounded, how had we not heard of this amazing thing. And what could homeopathy cured for this guy? Cancer? A severed limb?

Then he went on to talk about the machine he had to sit in with crystals and dials and a corona effect which is what happens when you drink a beer with a lemon in  it, and how it’s the only one of its kind in Australia and how it dispensed this water and he had to sip small amounts each night.

Finally one of us presents the balls to ask the difficult question, in a very hushed and sympathetic tone he asked “What happened to you?” cause you know I don’t want you to relive the trauma of what went on, I don’t want to mentally destroy you but I need to know the power of this medicine. And without some context we just won’t appreciate what it did for you.

“An ingrown hair”

You could hear the blinking.

“On my asshole”

More blinking and some shuffling

“It was very painful, you those things can be murder and when it’s on your asshole you can’t get to it.”

No…I wouldn’t be able to get to it because I have a strong desire not to touch your asshole but you, or a loved one could in theory get to it.

Then something occurred to me, he had gone through the stuff about homeopathy being a small amount of what is killing you can cure and such and lets just pretend for a moment that this is true and it works. I get that for arsenic poisoning you give someone a tiny amount of arsenic although really your just giving them more of what is killing them and whilst I understand the premise.

What the hell do you give someone for an ingrown hair on their asshole?

What is the small dose of that?

What was in that water?

Well…nothing of course, but what did they think was in that water?

“Look…I don’t want to worry you because I have had both my ass and hair in this water but I’ve diluted it 3000 times since then….and made it stronger….this is as strong as my ass gets…but don’t worry about it. It’s heavily diluted and by that….. I mean intensely strong.”

Hello and Welcome

This is Brain Swell. The musings of one Mr Christopher Tyler Esq.

Chris Tyler is a professional writer who lives in Melbourne Australia.

The above Mr Tyler has a number of blogs and creative outlets but this is the stuff that doesn’t fit anywhere else.

If you have ever written TLDR on anything….this is probably not for you. It’s a blog not fucking television.